Tag Archives: Marriage

Internet Pornography Addiction Gets a Boost

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A well-known marketing truth in western culture is that sex sells. It does not matter if it is toothpaste or beer. If you appeal to the sensual nature of mankind, you will always leave an impression on the mind and memory of the recipient. If you insert sexual innuendo or suggestive sexual thoughts into the equation, people will take a more heightened notice of it. Once a suggestive sexual thought is entertained by the human mind, unless a person is diligent to take such thoughts captive in their thought life, sexual innuendo  or suggestive sexual intent will take root and grow into something much more.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that pornography is keeping up with technology. It’s just that type of blight on the world.  Those who produce it and/or promote it are always looking for opportunity to insert it into every life if at all possible. They know that if they can get it in front of you, that your fallen human nature will gravitate to the lowest and weakest place in your humanity and morality.  Internet pornography addiction is about to get a boost with new technology for television. As in Europe where the moral decline of their culture is escalating, pornography in America is going mainstream and bringing the same result as in Europe – a desensitizing of moral conscience and an escalation of sex related crimes as a result of the proliferation of it.

porn-button-on-keyboardIt’s crazy to think that less than 40 years ago pornography was such an obscure fringe industry that only perverts, pedophiles and degenerates looked at it.  Today it has so permeated our culture that now it is seen as ‘OK’ and acceptable by a vast segment of the population in the United States. Does this mean that we have a growing population of perverts, pedophiles and degenerates? Only you can decide whether or not this is true. But, I digress.

So, about the title of this article – the Internet and technology are racing so quickly towards such futuristic advances in how content is delivered that sometimes it is hard to determine if something you are reading in a magazine or online is science fiction or real life reporting. On the upside to new technology, all kinds of cool gadgets and savvy little techie things that I just love. When I here the announcements that came out of the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) from this past event, and see all of the new stuff that is coming out almost daily, I get excited like a kid on Christmas morning, wondering about all the things I will be able to do with the newest and best stuff.

One announcement awhile back was that there is now a message robot that rides around your back and gives you a massage. How cool is that? For $69 that’s pretty amazing, and if it really does what they say it will, I am already feeling the pain of the whole massage therapy industry. There’s lots of 3D TV’s in development that don’t require those pesky 3D glasses (SWEEET)!

Then there is the new video you can video your children with in 3D mode and then watch it on your 3D TV.  What excitement this must bring for parents of little ones. You could catch shots of their first bicycle wrecks or the first food flung across the table in 3D! Imagine the fun of it! That would be so much fun! Since my boys are all grown up, I think I will use it for surfing trips with my boys now that they are older. That will be cool to see 3D surfing video of tropical adventures and walks through jungles. I just have to get one of those thingies. I keep digressing here… back on point….

ONE bit of tech news that I have found that is rather disturbing is that Marc Bell, the CEO of FriendFinder (which owns Penthouse magazine and a bunch of porn websites), made an announcement that they’re coming out with the world’s first 3D porn channel. Them coming out with 3D porn channel wasn’t what surprised me, but what did surprise me was how the announcement was made.

The FriendFinder CEO looked like he could be the CEO of any Fortune 500 company – well dressed in a nice business suit, clean cut, articulate. The announcement came on a business news program and it was reported as if it were business as usual in America. Not any outcry, any protest, or any editorial about its dangers. The news was hardly a blip on the radar of our culture. It just seems sort of bizarre – at least to me – that porn has gone mainstream in primetime business news. Surely, this is a sign of the times we are living in, just like in the time just prior to the fall of the Roman Empire when orgies and corruption and every form of sin abounded in its day to day culture.

The thing that seemed completely out of place was that while this guy Bell is being interviewed, the female news host was showing clips of women being provocative and sensual as they looked into the camera. It was not something you usually see while a CEO is being interviewed on a business news show. Then the gal from Fox doing the interview held up Penthouses first 3D BluRay movie and you could hardly see anything because the case had duct tape covering all the nude parts.

Is it just me or does porn as mainstream business news seem a bit sad, if not totally inappropriate. Why in the world would anyone with any moral fabric want to know about something like this. It’s just plain sad. So here we are in the technological revolution …we’re going from 2D porn to 3D porn, 3D porn channels and 3D porn movies. I guess Technology + Porn = More Porn. What’s next? Holographic porn or virtual reality porn?

Just on curiosity alone will be temptation enough for innocence to be stolen away from young teenaged men and women who are curious about sexuality. They have no idea how addictive pornography is and its affect on children, couples, families, and our communities. They will fall prey to this stuff and its addictive nature and their lives will be forever changed and their moral compass forever corrupted lest they, by the grace of God, are able to be pulled from its grips. A little footnote here. Medical research shows that porn stimulates the same triggers in brain that heroin addicts deal with. With this exposure porn is getting and the powerful nature of its lure to men and women alike, how can you who desire to live above mediocrity and the ordinary do anything about it?

It’s true that we might not be able to make much headway by getting the stuff banned (first amendment rights), unless Islam eventually takes over America and Sharia Law is implemented (not too far fetched either given the rapid growth of it in America). We CAN however, determine that we will make a covenant with our eyes and guard our hearts against giving into the temptation to seek after or find any enjoyment or pleasure in such things as pornography.

Here is takeaway for those who want to rise above mediocrity in this area of their lives and live a life of sexual purity. 

  1. If you are married, don’t even think about the idea of looking at another human being who is naked or sexually provocative if they are not your spouse. Even a casual curiosity in pornography will set you up for major failure in your marriage (ask any one of the 30 million or so marriages that have failed because of it getting into their marriage). By setting your moral standard high and rising above the mediocrity of an undisciplined mind and unfaithful heart to your marriage vows, you will reap a great reward in that of a deeper and richer intimacy with your spouse. Honoring your spouse in sexual purity will have a powerful impact on the longevity of your marriage and the quality of relationship you will have in marriage.
  2. If you are single and hope for a marriage relationship one day, the use of porn of any kind will dilute your moral conscience, erode your ability to love purely, and corrupt your moral and experience a Song of Songs sort of love affair with your spouse. It will desensitize you to the needs of your future spouse and cause you to be discontent in your marital relationship once you get married. By avoiding porn, you protect your heart against destructive habits that will both dishonor and damage your future wife or husband.
  3. For married and singles alike, be willing to be accountable to someone who you know and trust – even your spouse if you are married – if you have any involvement with or are being tempted with pornography.  If you allow yourself to let shame or guilt keep us from being open and honest about either the temptation for or the addiction to sexually explicit materials, you will suffer consequences that could leave you broken and alone in life – and living through a string of unsuccessful relationships. Get help if you need it and save yourself some grief in your future.

OK, I am stepping down from my soap box. Anyone else care to step up on it and talk for a while?

Breaking Through a Fortified Heart

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I recently heard a pastor where I go to Church say, “Whenever we are hurting inside, we don’t want anyone to get close to us. We push people away, and we hurt anyone who gets too close.” Moral of the story for those who do not have a weak stomach for love? Breaking through a fortified heart is a major chore, but fully worth it when it comes to love if you are willing to go the distance.

I think that there is a great deal of truth in what this pastor said, but feel that it may not always be ‘hurt’ that a person feels who is seeking to help the one they love, but rather disappointment, frustration, and even resentment if the journey is too long. Yes there is emotional pain that comes when we are rejected or pushed away by the very person we love and want to help. Pain is a part of life in a fallen world. The good news is that the result of success for pressing through is far greater and far more rewarding that allowing you and your mate to grow apart and ultimately fail in your relationship.

Relationships – whether in marriage or not – are work. Make no doubt about it, they are flippin’ work. BUT, the successful relationships that you will hear and read about are those relationships where one or both of the couple have remained consistent in their conviction that the relationship is worth the work, and where there is a sustained commitment to communicate – even when only one of the two is able to for a season in their life.

It works both ways too. The one that is hurting and protective of their heart tends to push away and resist intimacy, because it means revealing the pain and having to deal with raw emotions. This by itself is a major threat to their already fragile heart that does not want to suffer ridicule, rejection, or abandonment. On the flip side, the one that has rolled up their sleeves to help the hurting soul can easily become disappointed, frustrated, and resentful because their lover is continually shutting down emotionally, avoiding confrontation with their struggles, or pushing away so as to avoid the heart pain they have from surfacing. They guard their heart against any potential further pain to their own detriment.

When it comes to love relationships, this sort of conflict can be very dangerous. This is because the devil hates happy endings, and especially ‘match made in heaven love stories’. He will do whatever he can to bring it to an end. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing that would seek to tempt or lure a woman who is in love away from that man she loves, whether that man she loves is her lover or her husband. The same can be said about an alluring woman, who ‘puts out the vibe’ around men who are vulnerable, even if the woman putting out the vibe feels justified in keeping her eye open for opportunities for a new romance to replace her old one that is not going as well as she had hoped it would.

The devil sets traps for the one that is being pushed away. He plants thoughts that it is OK, because the person you have been in love with will never change, or maybe reminds him or her that the person that is struggling has told you that you should keep your options open. LISTEN! If someone is struggling with intimacy and is pushing you away, realize that it is not them rejecting your love, but just being afraid to trust as you go digging around in their hearts. I have been in these shoes before – of being fearful of intimacy, fearful of inadequacy, fearful of being dumped or rejected or abandoned. It’s a yucky place to be. The natural defense – at least in my case – was to push the person who loved me away by telling them that they could find someone else much nicer or richer or better looking than I was. I know. What a lame way to deflect the love of a woman. It was like I was shooting myself in the foot and then reloading the gun and doing it again, and again and again.

Again, speaking from personal experience, the individual who is hurting and pushing away is screaming in their heart that they are trapped in it and can’t find their way out of the places they feel trapped in. This is when you really dig in and make sure they know that you are NOT going anywhere, that you are committed to the relationship, and are going to do whatever it takes to break through their fortified heart. If you are the one being pushed away, listen up. The biggest and most successful trap of the enemy is that of putting someone else of the opposite sex in your path, or luring you away from the one that you have been in love with – whether for a year, five years, or 20 years.

The devil plants thoughts that are so convincing in times like these that your rationale for infidelity or unfaithfulness will be almost too appealing to resist.  Want some advice ladies. If you are a woman that truly does love a man who is struggling emotionally, and the thoughts come that say you would be better off looking elsewhere and throwing away the months or years you have invested into your present love relationship…. DO NOT DO IT! Don’t throw away the baby with the bath water in your love relationship. Remain committed and faithful, and it will pay off in huge dividends.

Reality check for women who are in a relationship with a man who is struggling emotionally and pushing you away – if you are a woman, men are always going to be sweating you. The world is filled with pretty faces and smooth talking, seductive, testosterone driven, worldly minded men who will ultimately cause you great heart ache. If you open your thoughts and emotions up to the possibility, then you can bet your momma’s last pair of underwear that the devil will swoop in and make you think that this new guy is from God Himself. You will think that this is your escape from what you are now believing to be a failed love relationship. Don’t be so foolish (men or women) to think that bailing out of a troubled relationship and jumping into another one to fill some void you now have, is going to make your new relationship anything better. Most always, the ‘rebound’ relationship will be a big disappointment in the end, and you will have thrown away the best thing that ever happened to you in the first place with the man you were so faithful to for so long.

Hint: It is only a failed relationship when you – the stronger and braver of the two that are in it – decide you will not love them any longer. In a nutshell, say what you may to make yourself seem the victim or the one being rejected, but it is you who is giving up. The saddest part of this is that in most cases, relationships are just on the cusp of a major break through when someone does give up.

OK, NOW FOR YOU MEN… Pay close attention!

Men, if you are struggling with inner demons, and have someone in your life that truly loves you, do NOT push them away. Do NOT allow your fears and distrust of being hurt, exposed, rejected or abandoned by that woman keep you from allowing her to chisel away at and break through into your heart’s heart so that you can find healing. God is working through her. If you reject her, you reject God’s love for you through her. Listen… it’s better that you would be rejected for your honesty, than to ultimately lose a woman that could have gone the distance with you if you had just been willing to be more transparent and vulnerable to them. My point is that you will never know unless you are willing to go deep with them by letting them into your heart in all it’s beauty and ugliness, joy and pain.

It is a MIRACLE of God’s love that a man with a wounded and hurting heart is sent a woman who will take the time – no matter how long it takes – to break through the fear and distrust that fortifies a wounded and hurting heart. This type of love from a woman is seldom found, but I believe that it is fully possible to have miracles like this happen. I believe, because it happened to me. I am talking like five years of blood, sweat, and tears by the woman who pursued my heart with a pick ax to break through the thick walls of my distrust for women and fear of intimacy. It got so bad that she had to tunnel up under my heart’s walls. Then, once she did, what she found was a mess.  She found my unhealthy, bleeding, wounded, and broken heart, and she still loved me all the same. It was her persistent patience with me for all those years since she had first given her heart to me, that ultimately laid waste to the fortified walls of my heart and captured my heart’s heart.

Guys, LISTEN! This is the kind of woman you WANT to keep around. This kind of woman is truly a champion among all women. She is a woman that exemplifies Proverbs 31. “The heart of her man/husband safely trusts her, so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life (v11-12). Her children rise up and call her blessed; her man/husband also, and he praises her (v28). I know a woman like this. What an amazing woman she is! So, DO NOT do something stupid and be prideful, arrogant, and willfully resistant to the woman who says she loves you. GO DEEP with her before it is too late!

OK, back to the women… Pay close attention!

Women, the same goes for you. Let the man that God has brought into your life go deep with you. Do not be afraid to allow your wounded and hurting heart to be made whole through the man who loves you. This is how trust and enduring commitment are forged. There is no fear, struggle, pain, or disappointment in your life that God cannot heal, and God often uses the miracle of a man’s unwavering love for you to bring it to pass. Be willing to open your own heart up and trust your man with your heart. Vulnerability is very appealing and very sexy if you have yourself a good man. And, you would not be with him unless he had some potential, right?

Dear Ruined, Need Help with Marriage

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Coping with Marital Issues“Dear Sir, Need help with marriage. I need some advice.” What’s a guy supposed to do with a Facebook message like this? It would seem that I am the least likely to be giving advice as a divorcee, but as some of you know who visit this website, I own a coaching business; and from time to time, I post articles on relationships. My articles always come with a disclaimer that I am not a marriage counselor or licensed in any way to give advice on the subject. I make it clear that I am sharing out of my own experience and understanding, and what has worked for others that I have encouraged. This is the case with this article.

This particular article is really an exchange of emails from a woman who wrote, “Dear Dave, Need help with marriage. I need some advice.” The business me wanted to write back and say that I don’t counsel people on marital relationships, the cautious me wanted to write back and tell her that I don’t counsel women in general on any subject as a single man, unless it is the love of my life (yep, I have one).  Yet, there was a part of me that just had compassion for this woman. From the little I knew of her through Facebook, she was a good Christian woman and really seemed sincere in her plea. SO, I gave it a shot, and this is what I wrote back to her.

First, the rest of her message:

My husband is asking for a divorce because there is nothing between us anymore… He sleeps at one end of the house and I sleep in the suite… He is impotent and I think he hates me for knowing. What should I do? What can I do? I could really use some advice here, and I know that you provide personal development coaching. Can you give me some guidance?

My response:

I know this is a tough time for you, and I do empathize with your circumstances. Here are a few things that you may want to consider.

First, know that I will be praying for your situation as I am reminded of it in my thinking. Prayer CAN change things, and marital relationships are something that God likes to see last.

Concerning your husband’s impotence, I am not a doctor or healthcare professional, but I can give you a little advice that has been helpful to others in the past.

Most men have their whole identity wrapped up in their sexuality and the ability to please a woman. The reality of what truly pleases a woman and what a man most often thinks pleases a woman are most often two different things; however, the ego of most men seems to believe it is just sexual. You must break through this fallacy in his thinking.

Your goal is to reach out to him, pursue him as if he was a the young hunk a man you married, and seek to satisfy his heart and the deeper things below the surface of his physical limitations. Having never spoken with him, I can only speak from what I know on the surface, but I would say that he is most likely feeling inadequate and his way of dealing with it is to push himself away from you and wall up. You must be a wall breaker.

Do NOT REact to what he says or does, but ACT as Christ would towards him. Become the incarnate Song of Songs Shulamite woman to him. Draw him out, reassure him of how sexy he is regardless of a ‘temporary’ ailment (impotence IS reversible).

There are solutions for impotence. There are some things that I know have been successful that are not drugs, and I think you may find that if he is willing to address the issue head on, that there is hope for his full recovery. Again, I am not a healthcare professional, but I can recommend that you look into these three things that might be really helpful for your husband.

  • Look into Protandim, a supplement that can help
  • Look into Chiropractors that utilize N.E.T. therapy
  • Look into essential oils and reflexology

There are solutions to marital alienation.

“The effectual fervent prayers of the righteous avail much.” I think this is self-explanatory. Search your own heart and see that you are in right standing before God in your attitudes and mindset concerning your husband and that you are not living in sin – either through your attitudes or activities – so that your prayers can be fruitful.

Use your charm, sexiness, and passionate desire, the way you did when you and he were just falling in love, to be the woman of his dreams even in the midst of this obstacle in your marriage. Don’t give in to the thoughts and imaginations that say it is over in your marriage. Take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and speak LIFE AND DESIRE AND PASSION over your husband and over your relationship.

Get the focus of your lives on worshipping God through praise and worship music, through studying the Word together, and you continually reassuring him that you will not let him go and that he is the best thing that has ever happened to you. You MUST work to help him (and you) get your eyes off of yourselves, so that you can begin to gain God’s perspective of your lives, your relationship, and your marriage.

You MUST rebuild his confidence in Christ, his understanding that impotence has no affect on your love for him, your desire for him, and your desire to be please by him in every way that is possible. Become the adventurous one in your marriage and don’t back down from being his Shulamite woman (See Song of Songs).

This all boils down to a spiritual battle when you really pull away all of the facade and see it for what it really is. The devil hates marriage, and he hates people being in love and remaining committed to one another. He is the father of all lies, and he will do whatever he needs to in order to plant those lies in your thinking.  Stand firm! Read and put into action, Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, and Philippians 4:8. These will help you get the ship of your marriage back on course as you take control of the spiritual wickedness that is seeking to tear your marriage and love apart. Stand firm.

———-

This was what I wrote. I never heard back from her after this. Maybe it was not what she wanted to hear. I don’t know. But, I know that it is what she needed to hear, at least concerning the spiritual advice.  It may just be something you need to hear also, if you are reading it. So, for the individual who is reading this that wants to take something positive away from this article , here it is:

The Take Away: Learn to recognize dangers to the relationships that mean the most to you, and learn how to activate an offensive against anything that has the potential to damage or destroy them. If you are married, never let down your guard against the potential of something that could shipwreck your marriage. There will be many of them along the way, and you must learn to spot them, discuss them with your spouse, and have a plan in how to deal with them.