“Dear Sir, Need help with marriage. I need some advice.” What’s a guy supposed to do with a Facebook message like this? It would seem that I am the least likely to be giving advice as a divorcee, but as some of you know who visit this website, I own a coaching business; and from time to time, I post articles on relationships. My articles always come with a disclaimer that I am not a marriage counselor or licensed in any way to give advice on the subject. I make it clear that I am sharing out of my own experience and understanding, and what has worked for others that I have encouraged. This is the case with this article.
This particular article is really an exchange of emails from a woman who wrote, “Dear Dave, Need help with marriage. I need some advice.” The business me wanted to write back and say that I don’t counsel people on marital relationships, the cautious me wanted to write back and tell her that I don’t counsel women in general on any subject as a single man, unless it is the love of my life (yep, I have one). Yet, there was a part of me that just had compassion for this woman. From the little I knew of her through Facebook, she was a good Christian woman and really seemed sincere in her plea. SO, I gave it a shot, and this is what I wrote back to her.
First, the rest of her message:
My husband is asking for a divorce because there is nothing between us anymore… He sleeps at one end of the house and I sleep in the suite… He is impotent and I think he hates me for knowing. What should I do? What can I do? I could really use some advice here, and I know that you provide personal development coaching. Can you give me some guidance?
I know this is a tough time for you, and I do empathize with your circumstances. Here are a few things that you may want to consider.
First, know that I will be praying for your situation as I am reminded of it in my thinking. Prayer CAN change things, and marital relationships are something that God likes to see last.
Concerning your husband’s impotence, I am not a doctor or healthcare professional, but I can give you a little advice that has been helpful to others in the past.
Most men have their whole identity wrapped up in their sexuality and the ability to please a woman. The reality of what truly pleases a woman and what a man most often thinks pleases a woman are most often two different things; however, the ego of most men seems to believe it is just sexual. You must break through this fallacy in his thinking.
Your goal is to reach out to him, pursue him as if he was a the young hunk a man you married, and seek to satisfy his heart and the deeper things below the surface of his physical limitations. Having never spoken with him, I can only speak from what I know on the surface, but I would say that he is most likely feeling inadequate and his way of dealing with it is to push himself away from you and wall up. You must be a wall breaker.
Do NOT REact to what he says or does, but ACT as Christ would towards him. Become the incarnate Song of Songs Shulamite woman to him. Draw him out, reassure him of how sexy he is regardless of a ‘temporary’ ailment (impotence IS reversible).
There are solutions for impotence. There are some things that I know have been successful that are not drugs, and I think you may find that if he is willing to address the issue head on, that there is hope for his full recovery. Again, I am not a healthcare professional, but I can recommend that you look into these three things that might be really helpful for your husband.
- Look into Protandim, a supplement that can help
- Look into Chiropractors that utilize N.E.T. therapy
- Look into essential oils and reflexology
There are solutions to marital alienation.
“The effectual fervent prayers of the righteous avail much.” I think this is self-explanatory. Search your own heart and see that you are in right standing before God in your attitudes and mindset concerning your husband and that you are not living in sin – either through your attitudes or activities – so that your prayers can be fruitful.
Use your charm, sexiness, and passionate desire, the way you did when you and he were just falling in love, to be the woman of his dreams even in the midst of this obstacle in your marriage. Don’t give in to the thoughts and imaginations that say it is over in your marriage. Take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and speak LIFE AND DESIRE AND PASSION over your husband and over your relationship.
Get the focus of your lives on worshipping God through praise and worship music, through studying the Word together, and you continually reassuring him that you will not let him go and that he is the best thing that has ever happened to you. You MUST work to help him (and you) get your eyes off of yourselves, so that you can begin to gain God’s perspective of your lives, your relationship, and your marriage.
You MUST rebuild his confidence in Christ, his understanding that impotence has no affect on your love for him, your desire for him, and your desire to be please by him in every way that is possible. Become the adventurous one in your marriage and don’t back down from being his Shulamite woman (See Song of Songs).
This all boils down to a spiritual battle when you really pull away all of the facade and see it for what it really is. The devil hates marriage, and he hates people being in love and remaining committed to one another. He is the father of all lies, and he will do whatever he needs to in order to plant those lies in your thinking. Stand firm! Read and put into action, Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, and Philippians 4:8. These will help you get the ship of your marriage back on course as you take control of the spiritual wickedness that is seeking to tear your marriage and love apart. Stand firm.
This was what I wrote. I never heard back from her after this. Maybe it was not what she wanted to hear. I don’t know. But, I know that it is what she needed to hear, at least concerning the spiritual advice. It may just be something you need to hear also, if you are reading it. So, for the individual who is reading this that wants to take something positive away from this article , here it is:
The Take Away: Learn to recognize dangers to the relationships that mean the most to you, and learn how to activate an offensive against anything that has the potential to damage or destroy them. If you are married, never let down your guard against the potential of something that could shipwreck your marriage. There will be many of them along the way, and you must learn to spot them, discuss them with your spouse, and have a plan in how to deal with them.